I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
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How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Brb my Sims are getting married
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.