Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
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I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
What an awful time to have common sense.
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.