The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
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I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Me trying to look natural in photos
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
All set.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal