[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
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The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Breaking news:
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Don’t we all.