Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
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Time for evil
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Important reminders
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Erm…
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!