I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
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Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Me when I wear 4 inch heels