My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
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“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Dudes named Chance never had one.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
What even happened today?
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Respect
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly