[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
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There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.