Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
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Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb