I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
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My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
I don’t make the rules sorry
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
“That’s what” – She
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.