If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
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Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband