[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
You Might Also Like
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Bitcoin. Toothurt.