I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
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It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Wait a second…
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?