I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
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I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
accurate
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.