*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
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Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.