[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
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The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.