My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
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REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.