After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
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Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
You know…for fall…
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Thursday Thought.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late