if I can survive this, I can survive anything
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Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
At an art museum and I thought this was art
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!