me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
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British websites use biscuits.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use