Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
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“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
welp
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
My birthstone is a marshmallow
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.