I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
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DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.