Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
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Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
this isn’t threatening at all
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?