The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
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Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.