Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
You Might Also Like
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
The internet is magic sometimes.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
can you read it!!??
maan!
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.