5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
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Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
how to market bottled water to dads
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked