The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
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MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.