(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
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[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
What the hell happened in there??