If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
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Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again