Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
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“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
still the best tweet of the year by far
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Things will get butter, keep churning
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”