I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
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I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet