I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
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Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
#SCOTUS one-star review
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.