Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
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Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
“Huge”.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Watson was Holmes schooled