Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
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I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Your secret is safeish with me
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
inventing words: clothing
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
men are simple creatures
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.