Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
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[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Happy Thanksgiving
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!