you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
You Might Also Like
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
I finally found a reason to live again.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
my professor scared me for a second
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.