[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
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Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
SF is the wild wild west man
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Feels like the fourth month in January
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking