Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
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Brb my Sims are getting married
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
what are they serving at kfc then???
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Seems kinda suspicious
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10