Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
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[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.