All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
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If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.