Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
You Might Also Like
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
the prophecy has been fulfilled
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.