King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
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(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Care for your back
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.