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if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.