*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
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Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Word!
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.