German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
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Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room