*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
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By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.