HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
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I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
For the baby who has everything
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
where’s Godzilla when we need him