[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
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Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.