Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
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If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!