Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
You Might Also Like
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
[Texts to 14]
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
2023 was just a warmup
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted